Toddlerisms

L'Amour!: A Scene From Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T23:00:00.002+01:00

[The scene: Outside school at afternoon pickup. It's FREEZING and, because the roads are pretty icy, we are walking home. The boys have just been released from school and we are headed for home.]

Me: "Secondo, who is that little girl waving at you? And pulling on her daddy's sleeve to point you out?"

Secondo: "Oh, she's in my CLASS."

[Five minutes later. We are walking down the main street of town and the little girl's dad beeps his horn at us as he slowly drives by; as he passes we can see her waving frantically from the back seat.]

Me: "Well, are you friends?"

Secondo: "Yes. [Long silence.] She doesn't hand me. But I want to hold hands with HER."

Awww.

Just Like Her Brother: A Scene From the Kitchen Table

2012-02-13T23:00:00.009+01:00

[The scene: I am trying to scarf down my pitifully inadequate, Dukan-approved lunch before Quinta launches into her fifth screamfest of the day.]

Quarta: [Lunges toward my galette (pancake), the ONLY THING RESEMBLING BREAD THAT I GET TO EAT ALL DAY.]

Me: "Quarta! Stop that! Daddy's getting you lunch in a few minutes."

Quarta, using her best Scooby-Doo voice: "I RUUUUV YEW!"

Me: "Here you go."

Quarta, I am pretty sure: "Sucker."

She gets it from Secondo, most likely. Flattery is a technique that has worked well for him with a number of ladies, including me.

Maybe You Can't Take the City Out of the Boy

2012-02-12T23:00:00.003+01:00

Terzo: "MOM!"

Me: "Yes?"

Terzo: "Look at those CHICKENS!"

Me: "Wow."

Terzo: "They sure poop out a lot of eggs."

It's Good To Think Five Seconds Ahead: A Scene From the Bathroom

2012-02-11T23:00:00.000+01:00

[The scene: Bathtime! Youngest to oldest. I am bathing a screeching Quinta in her little baby tub while Husband fills the big bathtub for Quarta.]

Me: "Why is Quarta completely undressed when the bathtub isn't ready yet?"

Husband: "What's the worst that could hap--"

Me: "Do you hear somebody peeing?"

Quarta: [Grins at us while the puddle at her feet grows bigger and bigger.]

They're Turning French, I Think They're Turning French, I Really Think So

2012-02-10T23:00:00.001+01:00

Me: "How was school, Secondo?"

Secondo: "Oh, FINE."

Me: "What did you have for lunch?"

Secondo: "Well, for the FIRST course..."

Paging Gracie Allen

2012-02-09T23:00:00.000+01:00

Me: "Time for bed! Say au revoir, Quarta!"

Quarta: "AU REVOIR, QUARTA!!!!"

Terzo Proves Charles DeGaulle Right: A Birthday Scene From the Grocery Store

2012-02-08T23:00:00.001+01:00

Me: "Terzo, because it's your birthday, you can pick out a SPECIAL CHEESE."

Terzo: "Ooh! Ooh! I'm getting Pik & Croq!"

[Pik & Croq is the only nasty cheese I've seen since moving here. Basically, it's Cheez-Whiz, packaged with a couple of stale mini-bread sticks. In other words, it's the French version of Handi-Snacks. ]

Me: "Uhhhhhhh... don't you usually like something like Camembert or Caprice des Dieux?"

Terzo: "Oh, I saw it in a COMMERCIAL."

[The only kid who ended up liking it was Quarta, who licked the cheese off the bread sticks and then tried to give me the soggy remains of her processed-cheese-delivery-devices. Thanks, little girl!]

H/T Charles De Gaulle ("How can anyone govern a nation that has 246 kinds of cheese?")

Time To Start Shopping At Wal-Mart (Or, Meet the Cugina)

2012-02-07T23:00:00.002+01:00

The scene: A Target store, somewhere in the Deep South, where children allegedly behave themselves. My own family isn't allowed in such a place, of course: this one is courtesy of my sister and her toddler.

Cugina, whose speech is not all that clear yet: "I want a Hello Kitty CLOCK!!!!!!"

Sorella: "The word "clock" has an "L" in it, honey. Also, "kitty" starts with a "K." Not a "T.""

Zooty zoot zoot!

2012-02-06T23:00:00.000+01:00

Terzo: "Can I have a cracker?"

Dad: "Sure, here are 4."

Terzo: "That's just SWELL!"

French Women Don't Raise Brats?

2012-02-06T13:08:00.002+01:00

Cross-posted from The Ex-Americans.

So this Saturday the Wall Street Journal ran an essay with the snarkalicious title of "Why French Parents Are Superior." But don't be fooled: Pamela Druckerman's piece on "modern parenthood" is, comme d'habitude, all about the moms. (Two of the fathers in the piece are mentioned only in passing; a third is interviewed only to complain about American kids' bad behavior.) In a nutshell, after allowing her toddler to act like an animal in a restaurant (apparently more than once), Druckerman noticed that French families with similarly-aged children were able to enjoy their restaurant meals in relative peace. While giving lip service to French "public services that help to make having kids more appealing and less stressful," Druckerman eventually concludes that the differences can largely be explained by the lessons in waiting exemplified by the cultural institution of the four o'clock snack, along with the the magic of a confident "no."

While I'm certainly a fan of both the gouter and the word "no" (just ask my five kids), I think there's a lot that Druckerman is missing here. Accordingly, I'd to suggest just two of the many additional reasons besides "snack" and "no" that French children may appear to be better behaved.

The first reason is political, and Druckerman does allude to it. Quite simply, it is a hell of a lot easier to be a hands-on parent in France than it is in the States. Anybody who's reading this blog (all two of you!) is probably aware that France grants generous paid maternity leave (and less-generous paid paternity leave) as well as a monthly cash benefit to families with children. More significant, though, is the the 35- (or 40-) hour workweek, and its benefits to families. My totally unscientific research on this subject involved working as a lawyer in Los Angeles 60+ hours a week and sending my then-only child to a school where I saw kids who behaved so badly your hair would stand on end. The worst-behaved (and unhappiest, because most of the really badly behaved kids were clearly really unhappy kids) tended to come from pretty similar backgrounds. Typically, one or both parents worked lots of hours and were unable to be as involved in the kids' lives on a day-to-day basis as they probably would liked to have been. So they overcompensated with a complete absence of the word "no" when they were able to be around. (The more affluent parents also seemed to overcompensate with way too many toys and electronic gizmos as well.) In other words, the parents were overworked at work, and were insecure at home. Their lives were out of balance. I count myself to have been in their number, just to be clear, although my own choice was to torture myself with my feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, but still to keep saying the word "no" when it was appropriate. Here, on the other hand, people tend to work more reasonable hours and take real vacations; on the "have-not" end of the scale you don't tend to see a lot of folks who need to work multiple jobs, thanks to the existence of a decent social safety net. That allows the time to be more involved in schoolwork and day-to-day things. I can't help but think that the "easy, calm authority" that Druckerman lauds perhaps has something to do with the fact that French society is organized in a manner that allows most parents to be present more often to exercise that authority in a consistent fashion.

The second reason is personal: according to my anecdata, French women are generally more selfish than American women. And not to sound all Ayn Rand, but in my book, that is a good thing. Druckerman marvels at French parents (moms) who are able to chat with friends without a stream of constant interruptions. Perhaps that is because their children (at least the children Druckerman profiles) don't expect to be the center of attention 100 percent of the time? There's a reason that attachment parenting has never caught on in France: women here expect to continue to have lives of their own after having kids. But a young child can be, as they say, a jealous mistress. My own children absolutely would interrupt me every 15 seconds (and honestly, it sometimes feels like they do) if they didn't know how to play on their own. But it is really important to me that they know how to do that, because someday they will have to stand on their own two feet and well, you've gotta start somewhere. And maybe I'm selfish too, because although I have made a hell of a lot of sacrifices for parenthood (more than any of my two readers will ever know), I also don't want to wait 15 years before I can exercise/do my nails/write a blog/go climbing/have friends again. In my own generation, it seems as though the kids whose mothers' lives revolved around them were the ones who had the most contempt for those self-sacrificing women. In other words, I'd like a little respect.

At the same time, though, I'm not sure that what American parents (mothers) need is another helping of "You're doing it wrong!" when the reasons that the kids aren't alright are so often out of their control. Plus, as an American lady who lives in France, I'm a little bit (where "little bit" = a lot) tired of the way that the media likes to pit French and American women against each other--with the American women never quite measuring up. (Mireille Guiliano, I'm giving you the side-eye here.) While I know this is never going to happen, I'd love it if the Wall Street Journal would spend a little bit more time reporting on the obstacles faced by working families, and a little bit less time blaming parents for their inability to live up to the Gallic ideal.

Double-teamed; or, The Parisian and the Peasant

2012-02-05T23:00:00.001+01:00

The scene: Dinner.

Secondo, in a Robert Plant falsetto: "MMM, c'est bon!"

Terzo, in his growling like a pirate vote: "MMM, c'est bon!"

You kind of had to be there. At least they liked the food.

3 Going on 13

2012-02-04T23:00:00.000+01:00

The scene: Our [old] back deck, from which one could see the neighbors' back yard. Secondo apparently had a crush on the neighbors' daughter, who was home from college for the summer. As our scene opens, he is jumping up and down and waving to get her attention. He is also pointing at me, his mother.

Secondo: "That's Terzo's mama!"

I thought they were supposed to be in junior high before starting to pretend they're not related to you?

Note: I meant to post this about two years ago! Now I know how to use the "schedule a post" function, thankyouverymuch.

In which my boy channels Grandma Liz

2012-02-03T23:00:00.000+01:00

Secondo: "Are you SAD? Are you HAPPY? Are you HUNGRY????"

Why We Have No Friends

2012-02-02T23:00:00.000+01:00

The time: EARLY on a Sunday morning.

The place: The backyard, about 20 feet from the next door neighbor's house.

The announcement: "MA-ma, you have to be VEWWY still and VEWWWY QUIET to hear the TURKEYS!"

The decibel level: I'm guessing about 110.

Ready to (G)Rumble

2012-02-01T23:00:00.000+01:00

"Da-DA, my tummy and my BUTT are GRUMBLING!"

An Oldie But Goodie

2012-01-31T23:00:00.001+01:00

The scene: My sister's wedding. I should mention that although she was not exactly a regular churchgoer, she worked as a bishop's secretary, and the bishop was, of course, in attendance. Primo was about four.

Sorella: "Bishop, I'd like you to meet my sister and her son, Primo."

Me: "Pleased to meet you!"

The Bishop: "Pleased to meet you as well. And how are you doing today, son?"

Primo, pointing at Sorella: "YOU have a BABY in your TUMMY!"

My sister was not pregnant. But she had to go to church in tight clothes every Sunday for the next few months, just to make sure everybody was clear on that point.

In which my preschooler channels my college professors

2012-01-30T23:00:00.000+01:00

I don't even remember the question, but this was the answer:

Me: "I don't know, honey."

Terzo: "Well, THINK!"

West Coast Blinders

2012-01-29T23:00:00.000+01:00

"NOBODY is born in MAINE!!!!"

Self-awareness

2012-01-28T23:00:00.000+01:00

"MA-ma, my FEET are SHORT!!!"

The Soft Bigotry of Low Expectations

2012-01-27T13:14:00.000+01:00

Me: "A D in middle-school science, Primo? That is Not Acceptable."

Primo: "I don't think it's so bad."

Me: "What do you think you're going to do with those kinds of grades? Not college, that's for sure."

Primo: "I'm going to go to college!"

Me: "Where?"

Primo: "UCLA!"

Me: "You are aware that the average GPA of an admitted freshman at UCLA is a 3.86, right? That's practically straight As."

Primo: "So, uh, maybe I can go to a college where you can get Ds."

Aargh.

And So It Begins: Part Five

2012-01-26T14:55:00.000+01:00

[The background: Quinta WILL NOT sleep in her bassinet. I have not had a decent night's sleep since November.]

Me: "Husband, could you please get that baby bathtub filled? She's going to get cold, waiting here wrapped in only a towel."

Husband: "Yes, already! I thought you wanted me to move the bassinet to our room so that we can make her sleep in it tonight!"

Quinta: [Suddenly shoots out a river of pee onto my shirt, my nice skirt, my boots, and the floor.]

I guess she understands more than she lets on. She's pretty smart for a 2-month-old.

The Girl Who Cried Wolf

2012-01-21T16:54:00.000+01:00

The scene: I am sitting in the living room, feeding Quinta. Quarta, realizing she is not the center of attention, toddles over to the coffee table and touches her head -- EVER SO SLIGHTLY -- to the top of the table.

Quarta, running over to me: "OHHHH! BOBO TETE!!!!" [Translation: "Oh, I hurt my HEAD!"]

Me: "POOR little BABY. Do you want a PAT?"

Quarta: "YAH!"

Me: "Here you go." (And I pat her on the head.)

Thirty seconds later. Quarta, realizing she is not the center of attention, toddles over to the coffee table and touches her head -- EVER SO SLIGHTLY -- to the top of the table.

Quarta, running over to me: "OHHHH! BOBO TETE!!!!"

Me: "POOR little BABY. Do you want a PAT?"

Quarta: "YAH!"

Me: "Here you go." (And I pat her on the head.)

Rinse and repeat.

I... I Don't Know, Actually

2012-01-06T14:58:00.000+01:00

Secondo: "MOM!"

Me: "Yeah!"

Secondo: "How do you pass a BUTT INSPECTION?"

Quinta Est Nee

2011-11-15T22:56:00.001+01:00

Was This Really An Emergency: A Scene From the Shower

2011-11-05T14:14:00.000+01:00

Thinking it might be nice to have one last hot shower before I am too pregnant to fit into the shower stall, I enjoyed the water for a good long time. When I finally turned it off and opened the shower door, there was Terzo.

Me: "WHAT are you doing in here?"

Terzo: "MOM! I have to ASK you SOMETHING!"

Me: "I am taking a shower! What is so important?"

Terzo: "Where should I put my spoon after I'm done eating?"

Frenchier and Frenchier

2011-10-07T20:32:00.000+02:00

Me: "Secondo, how was school?"

Secondo: "Oh, FINE."

Me: "Who did you play with?"

Secondo: "Oh, a GIRL."

Me: "What's her name?"

Secondo: "Oh, I don't know. But she's REALLY INTO ME."

Identity Crisis

2011-10-07T20:30:00.001+02:00

Secondo: "MOM!"

Me: "Yes?"

Secondo: "HOLLYWOOD is my middle name!"

And So It Begins: A Scene From L'Ecole Maternelle

2011-09-08T20:24:00.000+02:00

Pickup time. It's Day 3 and I'm still worried about Secondo and Terzo making friends.

Me: "Get in the car, boys! How was your day?"

Boys: "Oh, fine."

Secondo: "LOOK!!!! It's Colette!" (Waves frantically at cute little blonde girl walking by with a woman who appears to be her grandmere.)

Terzo: "SECONDO! SHE'S MINE!!!!"

I guess I shouldn't have been worried.

And Here I Thought He Was Only FIFTY Percent French: A Scene From L'Ecole Maternelle

2011-09-06T19:56:00.000+02:00

Terzo's Teacher Emilie: "Il n'a pas souri aujourd-hui." ["He didn't smile today."]

Me: "C'est sa premiere jour de l'ecole en France, et il est un garcon serieux." ["It's his first day of school in France, and he's a serious boy."]

Emilie: "D'accord. Ca va mieux demain." ["OK. It will be better tomorrow."]

Me to Terzo: "Terzo! Your teacher said you looked sad today. How was your first day of school in France?"

Terzo: "Oh, OKAY."

Me: "What was the best part about your day?"

Terzo: "Oh, I liked THE GIRRRRRLS."

I Told You So!: An Emotionally Gratifying Scene From the Dinner Table

2011-08-17T20:23:00.000+02:00

Terzo: [Grumble grumble grumble bad behavior not using my words could I POSSIBLY behave any more badly?]

Grandmere: [Shoots him a death glare.]

Me, foolishly: "He's really tired."

Grandmere: "Il est fatigue pour le pizza, mais il n'est pas fatigue pour la glace!!!!" [He's tired for pizza, but he's not tired for ice cream!]

Approximately 30 seconds later, Terzo's head hit the plate. He was asleep in that damned pizza. But what do I know? I'm just his mom.

Also: Our small-town French pizzeria won't be getting its first Michelin star anytime soon. Terzo was the lucky one tonight.

Mom's Little Linguist

2011-08-17T20:15:00.001+02:00

Secondo: "Mom! I know how to speak FRENCH!"

Me: "Bien joue!"

Secondo: "I learned how to say PIZZA!"

Quote of the Day

2011-06-26T23:04:00.001+02:00

Terzo: "MOM! I'm reading KADDISH!!!" -- holding aloft my copy of Allen Ginsberg's Kaddish and Other Poems. We were in the car. On the way to church. Also: maybe not entirely appropriate reading for a 4-year-old?

You Don't Say

2011-04-30T01:09:00.000+02:00

The scene: I am working in the upstairs office. Dad and the kids are downstairs. I hear Dad tell Secondo and Terzo, "Stay here with the baby while I go upstairs and put the laundry in the dryer."

Two minutes later, I hear footsteps coming up the stairs and Secondo and Terzo saying to each other, "Let's tell Mom!" Also, the baby is screaming.

Dad enters the scene to ask, "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?"

Secondo: "I want to tell her about the Wii!"

Dad: "WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?"

Secondo: "We're supposed to stay with the baby! But we got CARRIED AWAY."

Scenes from the Car: SuperTerzo

2011-04-23T23:57:00.001+02:00

"It's a bird! It's a plane! It's -- AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH!!!"

Scene from a Thursday afternoon at the yarn shop

2011-02-18T13:42:00.000+01:00

You know you spend too much time and money at the yarn shop when your kids know EXACTLY where the toys are kept.

Me: "Boys, it's time to put the toys away and go!"

Terzo: "BUT MOM!!!"

Me: "What?"

Terzo: "The Knit Shop is CLOSED on SUNDAY!"

Scenes From the Lunch Table: Revisionist History

2011-02-05T22:03:00.000+01:00

Terzo: "DAD!"

Dad: "WHAT?"

Terzo: "Was John F. Kennedy shot out of a GUN or a CANNON?"

Uh, WHY do you want to know?

2010-12-16T02:28:00.001+01:00

Terzo: "MOM!"

Me: "WHAT?"

Terzo: "How do you spell OBLITERATE?"

An overdue Halloween post--A Scary Monster, a Friendly Monster, and an Angel With a Split Personality

2010-11-16T07:29:00.000+01:00

On the left, a Scary Monster. On the right, a self-proclaimed Friendly Monster,
who actually was more of a So-Tired-He-Was-Walking-Into-Things Monster.

An angel with a split personality. Because at four months,
you never know what you're gonna get.

Mommy's Little Democrat

2010-11-16T07:24:00.000+01:00

Secondo's second favorite president, after "BARACK H. OBAMA," is...

Secondo: "James K. POLK!!!" And then he pokes Terzo.

Scenes From a Crowded, Yet Suddenly Silent Restaurant (or, Mommy's Little Republican, Part 2)

2010-11-16T07:22:00.000+01:00

Scene from the Original Pancake House.

Secondo: "MOM! Do you know who my favorite president is?"

Me: "No!"

Secondo: "BARACK H. OBAMA. Do you know why?"

Me: "I have no idea."

Secondo: "Because he has a B in his name! That's my favorite letter!"

Me: "Uh, that's great! Terzo, who is your favorite president?"

[The Original Pancake House, though crowded, suddenly goes silent.]

Terzo: "My favorite president is RICHARD NIXON!"

Even the waitresses were laughing at us.

Mommy's Little Tea Partier

2010-11-04T08:46:00.000+01:00

Rand Paul (on CNN): "What makes America great is freedom."

Terzo: "Ya, FREEDOM."

Secondo: "Mama, what's FREEDOM?"

(To which Grandpere apparently would have replied, according to DH, "It's something that you EARN.")

I guess it's official: I am raising yuppie children

2010-10-19T07:49:00.000+02:00

So here I am, making dinner. The usual chaos is unfolding around me. Whatevs. Except it's getting louder and louder and eventually I realize a FISTFIGHT has broken out and somebody has landed a punch.

Me (turning around): "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"

Secondo: "Mama's making RISOTTO!"

Terzo: "NO! Mama's making ORZO"

Me: "STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! And FYI, I'm making orzo."

Terzo (climbing up onto the kitchen stepstool): "Ok, Mama, FIRST you add TWO TABLESPOONS of unsalted butter. That's what it says in the WECIPE."

Make that yuppie super-genius children. Terzo is 3 1/2. There were 4 recipes listed on the two pages of the open cookbook, only 1 of which was orzo. What was the first ingredient in the orzo recipe? 2T unsalted butter. And STILL the geniuses at the Eugene 4J school district will not answer my queries about possibly having him tested. And I am embarrassed to call again because I DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT want to be "That Mom."

Don't Tell Mom!

2010-09-17T00:58:00.000+02:00

Secondo: "Dad!"

Dad: "Yes?"

Secondo: "You want to PARTY in my ROOM?"

In which Secondo channels Susan Sontag

2010-07-18T08:04:00.001+02:00

Secondo: "Mom?"

Me: "Yes?"

Secondo: "What's a METAPHOR?"

Spoken like a boy with too many ladyfriends

2010-07-15T03:22:00.001+02:00

Terzo: "MOM!"

Me: "Yes?"

Terzo: "I'm BEAUTIFUL."

Me: "You sure are!"

Terzo: "Because I'm THREE."

No, I guess you don't

2010-07-09T03:56:00.000+02:00

Secondo: "MOM, have you ever seen a taxi in outer space?"

Me: "No."

Secondo: "You don't see that every day!"

I must call the doctor

2010-06-16T17:29:00.000+02:00

Dad: "Secondo, STOP WIGGLING."

Secondo: "But I have ALLERGIES!"

Your moment of Zen

2010-06-08T00:56:00.000+02:00

Secondo: "MOM! ThereareoystersintheoceanandtheygetalittlebitofSANDandtheymakeBEAUTIFULpearlsthatyoucanmakeintoanecklaceMOM!"

Me: "Wow! Did you learn that at school?"

Secondo: "No, I learned it in my MIND."

Do they know how many times a day I should be saying this??? About all of them???

2010-06-04T03:37:00.001+02:00

Secondo, sobbing: "MOM! Terzo's stealing my ENERGY!!!!"

I can't imagine where you heard that

2010-05-31T20:01:00.001+02:00

Secondo: "Some people call other people IDIOTS."

This is a fancy way of saying "I hate sharing"

2010-05-31T07:27:00.001+02:00

Secondo: "TERZO! Some PERSONAL SPACE here!!!"

In which Secondo channels Jean-Paul Sartre

2010-05-16T07:15:00.001+02:00

Me: "Secondo, eat your dinner."

Secondo: "No! I REFUSE!!!"

Aargh.

I think this might be a new record

2010-05-15T21:43:00.000+02:00

Secondo versus Crappy Sonic Kids Meal Toy: TKO for Secondo. The toy lasted, literally, FIVE MINUTES before breaking. And here I thought somebody was going to have to lose an eye.

Nice.

2010-05-11T19:30:00.001+02:00

Secondo, who had just whacked Terzo over the head after a dispute involving a toy: "Terzo, cry SOFTER!!!"

No, no you do not

2010-04-22T16:54:00.001+02:00

Secondo: "Mama, I need an AXE!"

You know Mom's working too much when...

2010-04-18T09:25:00.001+02:00

Secondo: "I'm HONNNNNGRY! What are my RESTAURANT options?"

Why I got Skype I just don't know

2010-04-18T09:21:00.000+02:00

Secondo: "I want a dog!"

Me: "You know what? I think we have enough potty training going on in this house right now."

Secondo: "But I SPEAK DOG!"

This is my excited face : |

2010-04-06T08:43:00.000+02:00

Secondo: "MOM! Today is a VERY SPECIAL day!"

Me: [Frantically trying to figure out whose birthday I've forgotten.] "Um, every day with you is special! What do you think is special about today?"

Secondo: "It's MONDAY!"

Yay.

Easter Weekend of Brotherly Love

2010-04-04T01:38:00.000+02:00

Terzo: "P-L-A-Y spells play!"

Primo: "How do you spell pray?"

Terzo: "MOM! How do you spell pray?"

Me: "P-R-A-Y. How sweet!"

Primo: "GRRRR! You're my PREY!!!!"

Sigh.

Saturday morning spelling bee

2010-04-04T00:54:00.000+02:00

Terzo: "MOM! FOUR STARTS WITH 'F'!"

Me: "That's great!"

Terzo: "Just like fwree!"

Fashion Week

2010-04-03T01:00:00.001+02:00

Me: "How was your day, Terzo?"

Terzo: "Oh, NOT GOOD."

Me: "What happened?"

Terzo: "Oh, I have POCKETS."

I am a bad, bad person

2010-03-30T20:12:00.000+02:00

Email from Husband: "Terzo [who has been a daddy's boy from Day 1] hates me and only wants you this morning."

Email to Husband: "Don't worry about it; if I was there he would hate me too."

Thought to self: "Awww...."

Scene from a road trip

2010-03-29T08:54:00.001+02:00

Terzo: "Mama?"

Me: "Yes?"

Terzo: "I saw a hiccup."

Scenes From the Car: Mommy's Little Lawyer

2010-03-12T20:57:00.001+01:00

Secondo: "It's DARK outside!"

Terzo: "No! It's still DAY outside!"

Secondo:  "Dark!"

Terzo:  "Day!"

Me:  "GUYS!  This is not worth fighting about."

Terzo:  "But I'm RIGHT and Secondo is WRONG, Mama!"

And for the record?  It was dark out.

My Little Carnivore: A Scene From the Car

2010-03-03T06:35:00.000+01:00

[The scene: We were on the way home from school, and I had just stopped the car to let a flock of wild turkeys pass.]

Secondo: "MOM! I see TURKEYS!"

Me: "Yes! Isn't that amazing?"

Secondo: "I want to BITE them!"

Thanks a lot

2010-03-02T17:55:00.001+01:00

Me: "Can I have a big hug?"

Terzo: "NO WAY!!!"

Throwing Terzo Under the Bus

2010-02-25T01:18:00.000+01:00

The offense: Secondo and Terzo deliberately threw my (only) nice bracelets down the stairs, shattering them into a million pieces. I witnessed the whole thing. Typically when they get a time out, there is a great deal of arguing, complaining, and whining. This time, they apparently knew immediately that there was going to be no debate, that they had done a Very Bad Thing.

Me: "Okay, time out!!!!"

Secondo and Terzo: [Silently skitter over to "time out" and spend their three minutes in prison staring at me with saucerlike eyes.]

Me: "Okay, it's been three minutes. WHAT DO YOU SAY TO MOMMY?''

Secondo: "Terzo did it!"

Arrrr, I not be washin' tonight!

2010-02-21T21:59:00.001+01:00

Terzo, sobbing: "A CLEAN booty is a SAD booty!"

Drivin' to the oldies

2010-02-21T21:58:00.000+01:00

Secondo: "Mom?"

Me: "Yes?"

Secondo: "One is the loneliest number."

What if we called them your "freedom" cousins?

2010-02-13T04:39:00.000+01:00

Dad: "Are you going to teach your new baby sister how to sing the alphabet in French?"

Secondo: "I don't speak French!"

Dad: "Well, how are you going to talk to your French cousins when they visit us, then?"

Secondo: "I don't like French people."

Terzo: "I speak-a da FRANCH!"

So sorry to disappoint you

2010-02-11T06:35:00.001+01:00

Terzo: "Damn!"

Me: "Don't say that."

Terzo: "Why not?"

Me: "It's not nice."

Terzo: "AWWWWWW!!!"

I'll set the alarm!

2010-02-11T06:17:00.000+01:00

[Scene: The bathroom.]

Terzo: "I sitting on the potty! But I don't have to pee!"

Dad: "Do you have to poop?"

Terzo: "No. That in fifteen minutes."

Baby Ticker - The Baby Countdown Pregnancy Ticker

2010-01-27T01:22:00.001+01:00

Baby Ticker - The Baby Countdown Pregnancy Tickergreat free widgetsWidgetboxMore info

Why they are not allowed to name the new baby

2010-01-20T23:22:00.000+01:00

Me: "Guess what? We found out today that the baby is a GIRL!"

Secondo: "A guuuul?"

Me: "Yes!"

Secondo: "Can we name her Frank?"

Me: "Honey, if big brothers were allowed to name new babies, YOUR name would have been Vladimir Guerrero."

Where did you hear this?

2010-01-18T02:31:00.001+01:00

Terzo: "I listen to my BODY!"

Dad: "Do you need to go potty, Terzo?"

Terzo: "No, I need to go upstairs."

Things I Once Said To My Own Mother

2010-01-15T19:05:00.001+01:00

Dad: "Are you guys excited about having a new baby brother or sister?"

Secondo: "Brother!"

Terzo: "Sister!"

Secondo: "Dad!"

Dad: "Yes?"

Secondo: "Are we going to have to KEEP it?"

Minivan Driver

2010-01-15T19:01:00.000+01:00

Yet another "scene from the car." Terzo was grabbing Secondo's balloon, which I had foolishly permitted in the car.

Me: "Terzo, stop that."

Terzo: "Are YOU talking to ME?"

The Little Mother

2010-01-15T19:00:00.000+01:00

Another "scene from the car." In this episode, Terzo is fiddling with the interior light, and Secondo does not approve.

Secondo: "TERZO! WE DON'T ENCOUWWWAGE THAT!!!"

WHAT did you say to me?

2010-01-06T17:41:00.000+01:00

Me: "Terzo, please put that wrapper in the garbage."

Terzo: "No!"

Me: "Terzo, Put That Wrapper In The Garbage!!!"

Terzo: "NEVER!!!!"

Gee, I guess I should get another job, then

2009-12-26T21:43:00.000+01:00

Secondo: "I the ice cream man! You want some ICE CREAM?"

Me: "Why yes, that sounds delightful!"

Secondo: "I need MONEY!"

Hide your tools, part 2

2009-12-26T03:55:00.000+01:00

"DA-da, I need a HAMMER!"

Be very afraid

2009-12-24T04:55:00.000+01:00

Terzo: Mama, I SCARED.

Me: Honey, what are you scared of?

Terzo: I scared of my BUTT.

But not right now, I hope?

2009-12-23T03:38:00.000+01:00

Secondo: Mama?

Me: Yes?

Secondo: Sometimes I THROW UP.

Hide your tools

2009-12-06T07:14:00.000+01:00

"MA-ma, I'm a BANGING PERSON!"

Superboy

2009-12-05T02:39:00.000+01:00

Me: "Secondo, can you help your brother take his shoes off?"

Secondo: "YES! I have da super power of HELPING!"

Why I No Longer Speak At All In Front of Them

2009-11-21T21:31:00.000+01:00

Me: "Tickle tickle tickle!"

Terzo: "DAMN! That tickles!"

In which I channel Marlin the Clownfish

2009-11-19T22:43:00.000+01:00

Secondo: "MA-ma, are YOU my CONSCIENCE?"

Me: "Yes!"

Scenes from the car: Near-conniption avoidance

2009-11-17T01:08:00.000+01:00

Me: "Terzo, STOP THAT SCREAMING!"

Terzo: "But I'm not done crying!!!"

Scenes from the car: The butt edition

2009-11-14T00:55:00.000+01:00

Secondo: "I'm sitting on my BUTT!"

Terzo: "No, you're sitting on MY butt!"

Secondo: "No, MY butt!"

Terzo: "No, MY butt!"

I wasn't born last night, kid

2009-11-12T03:17:00.001+01:00

Secondo: "MOM! Dada says you're CUTE! ... Can I have some cake?"

Um, where are YOU shopping?

2009-11-12T03:14:00.001+01:00

Terzo: "MOM! I don't have my eyebrows today!"

Me: "Huh?"

Terzo: "They at the store."

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to say this to your mother, either

2009-11-06T23:53:00.000+01:00

The scene: Running down the sidewalk together, Terzo and me

Terzo: "Watch where you're going, BUDDY!"

The Brat Pack, a Scene From the Car, with Apology to Dean Martin

2009-11-03T03:40:00.000+01:00

Secondo: "When da MOON hit yer EYE like a big PIZZA PIE, DAT'S AMORE!!!'

My son the chef

2009-10-31T03:26:00.000+01:00

Secondo, holding up a bottle of cumin: "MOM! Dad says dis HUMANS!"

Toddlerism contest!

2009-10-25T20:51:00.000+01:00

First person to answer this question correctly becomes the 1st annual Toddlerism Contest champion:

Secondo: "MOM! Who dat man on da ROCK?"

To whom is he referring?

I've got nothing

2009-10-18T17:53:00.000+02:00

Scene: DH has just left with his friend Jeff to attend a study group for an upcoming exam. Jeff has thoroughly charmed the kids before leaving.

Secondo: "Mom!"

Me: "Yes?"

Secondo: "Is Jeff Daddy's HUSBAND?"

Wow, they really DO listen to everything I say

2009-10-16T17:28:00.000+02:00

Morning at my house:

Terzo: "Mom, TALK TO ME!"

Me: "Yes, honey?"

Terzo: "How do I LOOK? Do I look PRETTY?"

Everybody's a critic

2009-10-13T23:38:00.000+02:00

Secondo: "Do we have CANTALOUPE?"

Dad: "Let's check."

Secondo: [Opening the refrigerator and finding a lack of cantaloupe.] "Well, this is RIDICULOUS!"

You're not supposed to flirt with your mother

2009-10-13T00:32:00.000+02:00

Time: Early morning

Place: The car

Occasion: Dad, Secondo, and Terzo dropping me off at work

Terzo: "Bye, BABY!"

Don Juan de Toddler

2009-10-01T23:26:00.000+02:00

The scene: Preschool, at dropoff. While leaving, I glance back over my shoulder, to see Secondo promenading across the schoolyard holding hands with not one, but TWO little girls.

This kid is going to be trouble.